A week had already passed since me and ate Lea went to Tuguegarao for a vacation. It was just two days and yet I enjoyed it there. There are a lot of reasons why I decided to go there. A lot of thinking to do and a lot of decisions to make. I came to a point in my life that I have to think what I need to prioritize and what I need to let go. What I have to think firstly and what I have to sacrifice. I promised my parents that I would never ever let them down. I owe so much from them and I think it is time to give back whatever they had given to me.
They are not actually asking for anything. I just feel like I have to sacrifice too since they had sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. I love my family so much and I want to give what is best for them. I have thought that I have to sacrifice something to be able to have something. And I think that I have to sacrifice myself for my family. I do not ever want to see my mom cry because we are always belittled by our relatives. I do not want to see my dad feel pity about him because he cannot give what my siblings want. It’s not his fault that he cannot find any job here. It is not their fault that we cannot get out of this place. I do not want to see them argue just because of money. I know that we cannot have such a stable life if I continue to work here. No matter how hard I work, it will never be enough. No matter how hard I try, my position will never go up because of politics inside the network. I’m really having a hard time there. Such harsh environment makes me sick. Just seeing the gate makes me want to hurdle. I cannot work with people who use their authorities just to kick out a person they dislike. If they want to have Kikoy, please take him. I cannot have him either. I now know what my destiny is. Why I haven’t had any boyfriends or why I was so standardized. I’m not as ordinary as anyone else. I am destined to a person I haven’t even known before in my life.
The other night after our dub out, I was not able to go home yet. I waited for Jen, Shan and Wilma since they had waited for me the other day and it’s Shan’s birthday so I just let them finish watching Goong in Sir Howie’s office. It was fun seeing them laugh and cry. Anyway, I went out for three sticks of cigars and some thinking. I never thought I can smoke by myself. The air is so cold so I put on my jacket. I was thinking then what to do with my life. Though I have already told myself that I am getting married really soon that I can really feel it coming. I still kept thinking if that person can ever like me as me. I’m so loud and childish. I don’t think anyone can like me because I behave really badly.
I kept asking myself how to tell my parents that I cannot work in GMA anymore. It’s not the “boring” thing. It’s the “politics” thing inside. Kara is doing a lot of thinking on how to get rid of me and I can really feel it. She does not like me hanging around GMA and is nosing about every little thing I do. If she does like Kikoy, she can do whatever she likes to get him. Especially, she is really a very famous person. And I’m just April… a production assistant.
I also thought that of how to get out of the country without getting married. If there is any easier way to get out and not being married, then I’ll really go with it, of course, legally. I just need to go abroad this year. I fear that I wouldn’t have any other choice but stay at GMA if I cannot go abroad this year. I really prayed so hard for it. And if that is the only thing to do is being married to a person I have not met ever in my life and if that is what God wanted me to do even before, then I will obey Him. He knows me better and knows what is best for me. I believe in Him so much that I trust His judgments.
I put out another stick because I want to have some breathing space for myself after four days of tiresome days. I prayed so hard for signs if I can really go abroad this year. After that, I went up again and joined my friends who were watching Goong. I fell asleep in the middle of episode 17. Maybe I was so tired. They woke me up by 3 am and told me it’s time to go home. I came home by 4 am and fell asleep instantly. I woke up by 5 am because I heard my mom called me. She told me that my Ninang Flor, Tito Cesar and Tita Meng were here at house. I disregarded her and went back to sleep because I thought I was just dreaming. That my mind is still thinking about what I was thinking earlier.
When I woke up, I realized that they were really here and were anxious to see me. I prayed again and asked God if it was really what I was thinking. I still haven’t got an answer form Him but I’m kind of nervous. I fell that it’s really time for me to go. Even my contract at GMA, my eagerness at work and my absent-mindedness. I can feel it coming true and I can feel that my life is going to change really soon.
They always tell me that I should whatever makes me happy but I kept thinking that what if somebody gets hurt? Will I feel at ease or happy if I know somebody is in pain because of me? I do not think so. I’d rather give up the fight that winning and never have my peace of mind. I am sacrificing myself for my family. I want them to be happy. I want to give everything to them. I want us to get out of this place and go somewhere better. And I think, I should start by getting out and giving myself for them. Even though it means that I have to let go of my dream of becoming a writer of a director in GMA.
Anyway, I can still become a writer or a director or even an editor abroad. I feel I won’t ever have a successful life in GMA. It’s tearing me apart and I cannot even have my personality back. It is enclosing me into a world that I cannot breathe in anymore. I feel suffocated and imprisoned. I feel like I’m dead and only the cigarettes and beers are reviving me everyday of my life. I keep waking up in my sleep because I kept dreaming about my work. They say it’s already over-fatigue. I say, it’s tiring.
God knows that I have never given up in any trial that He gave me, but not all. He also taught me how to give up and just have faith in Him and that everything will be alright even though I give up my fight. That it’s okay to cry. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of manhood. I am just a woman and His creation. I can never uphold to His decisions for me. I have cried a lot for GMA and I think that those tears are already enough. I love my work and it was really a dream to work there. Just the prestige is making me flutter. But fluttery cannot ever hold a broken-heart. It just makes you feel happy at times but not always.
Currently listening to: Bata by Moonstar88
Currently feeling: relieved
