March 5th, 2008

time-struck kid


charmedone

time is essential. of course! when you are bugged out of life, it means that time is running out. and now i can feel that my time is really running. so fast. i can't catch it myself. if somebody's clinging into something, well, i am clinging on to somebody. difficult to reach but harder to catch.

time.

i gave myself one full year of soul-searching. why? because i have been thinking if i still have to go with my parents' agreement or not. if i still have a chance for true love and that i'm not completely meant to be with someone i never knew... my entire life. if this is soul-searching, i haven't found myself yet. i have been given enough time to think and look and see what other options i am supposed have. i guess, there are no more options available for me. no more. and time has run out.

time.

i am enjoying my job so much that i don't want to go anymore. my workplace tells me i have a great future and my dream will become a reality. and the problems that come with it, pleases me. they mean that i can handle a lot of things and trouble shoot problems. i love my work. and yet, my workplace brings me and inch close to him. i don't see him. i haven't seen him since our christmas party last december. i was only able to talk to him through YM, cellphone or telephone. we don't see each other. time. it passed by, again.

time.

if my only choice was to have someone before my tita comes back to the philippines this march, i would grab it. absolutely! but, i cannot pretend that i still want him in my life. there will be someone else for me, i'm sure. but him? yeah, he's all i've been praying for. i guess, no matter how hard we pray and beg, if a person is not meant to be with us, he will never come. and if things turn out the way my parents would want it, my finish line is this year.

time.

my tita will be back this march. i just hope she won't ever tell me that she loves me and my family. i hope she will not ever bring up the spoon. i hope she will forget. my mom is too pushy. they wanted this. they are best friends since way back in high school. they may have never told each other, but they wanted it so badly. okay, fine!

time.

here i am again with my blaberings. here i am again, i question of myself. will i go for it or not? i wanted to get married, of course. who does not? i just hope, it's not this year, just as what i had predicted. no way! not this year! and not with someone i never knew! no!
Currently listening to: tell me by side a
Currently reading: the devil wears prada
Currently watching: i-witness: the gma documentaries
Currently feeling: gloomy
Posted by charmedone at 09:16 PM | Konichiwa!

October 25th, 2007

lie-low


charmedone
i am really not myself these days. i do not know why. all i know is that i cannot go back there. it pained me a lot. and i do not want to get that pain back again. i may not be able to stand up, but i can crawl back into the limelight.

he and i. we had chances. we had. but i never took them. he never did either. if i could go back in the past, i would still do what i did. i would still be in love with him. and would still move on because we are not meant to be. i would still pick up my own pieces. i would still look at him. and love him as my bestfriend.

he's the only one who's bringing me back into reality. he's the only one who's telling me that he loves me the way that i am. he's the only one who's telling me that we cannot always have what we want. he's the only person that i will never forget until my last breath.

he brought me pain but he brings me happiness.
he brought me uncertainties but he picks me up whenever i fall.
he brought me tears but he washes all my sadness away just by merely making me laugh.

and everytime i see him cry, i wipe them all with my hands.
and everytime he tries to make people laugh with his fake smile, i tell him he cannot ever lie to me
and everytime he gets hurt, i get hurt three times more

Currently listening to: Anna Nalick - Breathe
Currently watching: Grey's Anatomy - Didn't We Almost Had It All
Currently feeling: relieved
Posted by charmedone at 01:52 PM | Konichiwa!

September 9th, 2007

late lunch


charmedone

pumasok sa office... 1:00 pm

wag na magtaka. ako, sa totoo lang, naiiyak ako kanina bago ako pumasok. mga 11:00 am, lumabas kami ng nanay ko. pupunta raw siya sa bayan at titingnan ang tito ko. oo. ang tito ko. hindi ko siya kinakahiya dahil hindi siya katulad namin. hindi ko siya kinakahiya dahil mahal ko naman siya. lumaki kaming magkakapatid na ganoon na siya.

matanda na. mid-40's. walang asawa. walang anak. nagkasakit siya n'ung bata pa siya. at ngayon, humigit kumulang apat na dekada na siyang abnormal. humigit apat na dekada na siyang wala sa sarili.

nakita namin siya ng mommy ko. hinabilinan 'yung isa ko pang tito tungkol sa gamot niya. buntis na rin pala ang asawa niya. nagbago na nga ba siya? nagbago na nga ba sila?

nahihirapan na ako. malamang, marami talaga ang hindi makakaintindi sa akin. makikita mo ko laging tawa ng tawa. ang lakas pa ng halakhak na tipong wala namang problema. pero kapag nakikita ko ang mga mata ko sa salamin, nasasabi kong ako ang may pinakamalulungkot na mga mata sa lahat ng tao.

akala talaga ng mga katrabaho ko, happy-go-lucky akong tao. hindi nila alam ang mga totoong nararanasan ko ngayon. kupal silang lahat.

pero okay lang. kahit naman mga 5:00 pm na ko nakakain, okay lang. kasabay ko naman si cedie kumain. hahaha! at least, sa loob ng isang buong araw ng kalungkutan at depresyon, laging may isang himalang dumarating. laging may bagay na maganda. buti na lang nandito siya kanina. naging masaya naman ako kahit papaano.

Currently listening to: When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne
Currently reading: scripts
Currently feeling: thankful
Posted by charmedone at 01:22 AM | Konichiwa!

August 19th, 2007

self pictorials

 

life, it gets harder and harder as you think it would. you will never know when you will die. all you know is how to fight.

i think i have not risked that much in my life. i still haven't given up something for someone. i still haven't done something bigger than what i can expect for myself.

maybe, i have waited that long. maybe, i have done a lot of things by myself that i am thinking that i was so used with doing a lot of things by myself. maybe, all i thought was wrong. maybe, i am feeling alone because i have let myself be alone for so long. maybe, i thought being alone was the greatest escape to my fears.

Currently listening to: when you're gone - avril lavigne
Posted by charmedone at 10:34 AM | Konichiwa!

August 17th, 2007

expectations make me sick

i never expect anything from anyone. why? i hate it when everything you have expected do not happen. all i can do is accept the present that fate has given me. we can never go back to the past. we can only look forward for the future.

there was a time in my past where i let myself fall for someone. maybe i assumed too much. maybe i thought of myself too much. maybe all i can do was not let myself drown in his acts. i hated myself back then. and i would still hate myself if it happens again.

and now, i'm still inside this wall that i've made. i can't get out of it. i am independent and thought that i could destroy it myself. but at this time, i thought wrong. it was strong. i need someone to destroy it for me. but who?

i thought my parents would still insist on me getting married to ricky. in the past months, they were telling me that they were giving me my freedom to choose my own happiness. i do not know until when. all i know is that i would still get myself married if my parents do not see any improvements in my life.

all i'm praying for is to have what is really meant for me. if i am meant to be with a person chosen for me by my parents for the rest of my life, then let it be. but if i'm meant to be with someone else, then let it be.

i may always seem to be strong, but i'm vulnerable. now i know i cannot give myself to someone just like that.

Currently listening to: lithium - evanescence
Currently feeling: stressed
Posted by charmedone at 11:09 AM | Konichiwa!
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